well yesterday i told my family im not a christian. and that ive been researching my religion for quite some time now. my mom has always known that i wasnt a christian...she just never knew i was researching another one. she just thought i was gonna be religionless or something. and i did try that for a while, but i felt kinda incomplete. i need to find something to believe in to keep me going.

mom said she is very supportive and even proud of me for my decision. my dad said he felt like he let me down because i didnt learn enough about christianity. my sister, well, she really doesnt care all that much..and my brother is pissed off at me. he thinks if he's mean to me enough ill be forced to become a christian. :/ bastard.

then i started to get kinda depressed afterwards. cuz i was thinking, what if in the end i dont decide to be a christian? are they only supporting my decision cuz they believe im gonna become a christian after all this? it even made me cry. cuz its not the greatest feeling when you feel like your family disowned you. but mom told me that even if i decided to follow a different religion she would understand and research my religion so she could understand what i believe in and why i believe in it.

yesterday dad also promised he would take me out today. i still have stuff to do ya know? and so i was excited and got up around 10 and got ready. well he decided to sleep til 3. and when he got up he went into matts room to play playstation and somehow matt convinced dad to be mad at me too for my religious decisions. so now he's mad at me too. :/ again, bastard.

so today ive just been sitting here ready to go when im obviously not going anywhere anymore. and half my family has been ignoring me. really depressing actually. i dont think they realize how more awful it would be if i said i was a christian and didnt understand or believe in any of it. that in my opinion would make things worse for me.

i dunno tho. its just all confusing. the only people who really seem to understand and support me is mom and davey...im not even sure if davey is really supportive or just feels like he has to be supportive cuz he's my boyfriend. ah well i guess im not all that worried about it. i would still love him even if he didnt agree with my decisions.