i am destroyed.
on valentine's day i want to die.
really i do.
my mom is slowly dying and i have no one to confide in.
my bf has changed so much that requesting him to hold me is too much to ask.
i wonder how he would handle a death on his own.
i want him to feel how i feel but i would never let that happen.
i never want him to feel alone when someone so important to him is slipping away from him.

i can't believe i let this happen to me.
i can't believe that i showed emotion in front of him.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i shouldn't expect him to care.
not even after 2 1/2 years i should still expect him to be there for us and nothing else.
i should have known that he would treat me like shit when i cry.
i should have known that he would never put aside his questions and just hold me while i cried.

maybe my expectations are too high.
i am so stupid for allowing myself to fall into something so deep.
love.