i almost hate how our relationship has turned out.
before he used to look at me with kind eyes and make me feel like i was everything to him.
now he tells me the things that i do wrong constantly.
i feel worthless around him yet i miss him all of the time.
what's wrong with me?
i hold on to how he used to treat me and hope that he comes back to that.
he used to be so in love with me but now it has seemed to die.
i cry a lot without him seeing.
he used to confort me when i would cry but now he just says that i'm an emo kid and sits there.
honestly, i show any kind of emotion and it's automatically wrong.
he has been a lot more selfabsorbed and he will blame me for everything.

he blamed me for him not doing his work yet he's at the dorm right now looking at car kits online.
he blamed me for him not going to class yet i called at 9am yesterday and if i hadn't he wouldn't have woken up.
i'm tired of him putting things off on me to make him feel a little better.
i wish he would realize that he means more to me than anything and whenever he says or does stuff i take it to heart.

and look. i'm fucking crying now like a fucking idiot.
i just look forward to seeing him and he will be hours late.
EVERYtime i try to hug him now he just stands there and doesn't bother to return the favor.
i can't kiss him in public without him getting annoyed.
the cute things he used to do are now for "pansies" according to him.

like surprise picnics and days devoted to just us.
there is no such things as those anymore.
our dates now consist of ITG and whatever else he wants to do.
i don't want to do what i just want to do either.
i just wish that he would put more thought into things.
i wish that he would realize that just because i've been dating him for 2 1/2 years doesn't mean that i will be reliable while he treats me like shit.
honestly, i think so much worse of myself and cry whenever i am alone because i feel worthless.
if dave doesn't want me anymore who else would?

i really do hope that none of casey's family walks in since i have tears all down my face.
how akward would that be?

i just hurt a lot and he doesn't seem to notice.
he pretends to notice just so that i will shut up.
he shows affection towards me whenever danny leaves the dorm room and he wants some.
he just doesn't see me or our relationship the same way anymore and it kills me.

i am so stupid to think that this could ever last forever.
i look at new couples that are "in love" feeling and pity them because it never lasts.
they will soon feel miserable and not know why.

there is nothing that i could ever do to have dave love me.
ever.
if i stay at his dorm he hates it.
if i don't and he has to see me in kingsport he hates it.
i paid him back $80 and he still complains.
i wish that i had a job.
i would just give him all of my money instead of eating.
actually that's what i will do.
whenever we go out to eat i will just give him what i would have spent on food.

my heart hurts a lot and if he ever reads this he will just make fun of me.
i wish that things were easier and i wish that he was in love with me again.
i keep trying to change for him and nothing works anymore.

i fucking hate myself it's rediculous.
not much amuses dave so if i can't there must be something wrong with me.

:'(