i feel horrible constantly now.
i have seriously never been this depressed ever.
it would be a lot worse if i wasn't with dave.

i have no job.
no car.
no permanent address.
my best friend seems to be mad at me.
she's probably not mad at me and i am just paranoid.
she barely talks to me though.
it's sad because i miss her a lot.
i miss dave but i know i'll get to see him so oh well haha.
i really miss amber though.
i wish that her parents would buy her a house where she could be constantly happy i really do.
she could cut if she wanted to but somehow put a way to where she wouldn't be permanently injured or wouldn't cut too deep.
i miss cutting.
how disturbing huh?
i just miss the way it feels to be in control.
everytime i cut dave makes fun of me almost.
it's like the last thing that i need really.
if you want to be all "ashley please dont do that" that's fine but to laugh makes me want to cut more.

i love casey's house and family but i am slowly starting to feel like i dont belong here.
i wish that i had a car and a job and an apartment.
i would let amber stay with me whenever she was lonely or upset.
i would be so much more happy. :]

i wish that dave would let me smoke some.
i can't smoke at caseys or when i am with dave.
i can only smoke when i am with amber and i feel bad doing it because she isn't allowed either.
i think that she has more self control than i do now.
i remember walking around her old neighborhood with her really late and her telling me that she admires how stable i am.
i think that i was more stable.
now i am falling apart.
i cry all of the time when i feel like i've done something wrong.
if dave seems irritated even if it's not my fault i start crying my eyes out.
wtf is wrong with me?
i never was like this.
what drives me insane is when dave tells me to stop being like amber.
i want to kick him but i don't want to hurt him.
i want him to realize that that's my best friend he is talking about so he never mentions it ever again.

maybe i need therapy..
i just feel so broken.
i don't think i really need therapy.
if i had a car and a job i would be perfect feeling.
i could go out to eat with amber and not worry about how i will pay for things.

i wanted to plan something huge for amber's 18th but i have no money.
i hate myself a lot now.
i wish that i was a better person, girlfriend, and best friend.

i need to work on myself..even if it isn't me anymore.