i got so upset from missing talking to dave that i threw up.
wtf?
i cried so hard it was insane.
i HATE dave's mom. i really do.
she is so fake it drives me insane.
she will pretend to like me to my face and i will hug her when she is sad but talks bad about me when i am not there.
..OR doesn't let dave get a fucking phone card.
i wish that dave had gotten a phone card before leaving.
man, i think i am going to puke again.
i know that once i see him i will not want to let him go.
i am pathetic.

not to mention, i have no one to talk to really.
i don't open up to most people and the ones that i do eventually think that i am self centered.
just because i talk about things that are going on with me.
a lot of stuff is going on with me so i'm sorry if it takes a while to get out.
i think that "hey i finally found someone to talk to and be there for me" and i find out that they just wanted me to be there for them.
i hate the feeling of being used i really do.
i just won't mention anything about me to amber or dave.
i will just listen about them and shut up.
my life isn't that interesting anyways obviously and i guess that i will just have to pay someone to care [therapist].

omg.
i puked twice now.
what the FUCK?
i shouldn't be like this.

i realized that if i had never met dave my life would be different.
i would probably still be in high school..that's how different.
i would probably still be taking care of my mom too.
i would also not be nearly as happy as i am right now.
i just think that there are ups and downs from being with him.
the ups outweigh the downs ofcourse.
i just wonder about things and what it would be like if i was alone.
i would be so bored that i would work constantly.
i would be more successful and more consistent.

i will not sit around and do nothing.
that's just not me.
i am dying here without a job.
i've been depressed about it so i am going to fix it.
it annoys me though.
the ones that have cars and had things paid for like college and stuff and just blow it away.
i am sitting here fighting for the chance to get a car and into college and i have to sit here and watch people get it all for free and not even notice what they have.
it makes me sick.
amber has a car and yet no job and also she just didnt go to classes.
i am annoyed at that but hey it's her life.
i just wish she would realize how hard it will be now.
i know how hard it is. believe me.
dave also doesn't acknowledge how lucky he is.
he has everything.
laptop, college tuition, car, everything.
he doesn't see it as much.
i hate rich people sometimes haha.
it's just that they should realize how blessed they are and not take everything for granted.

gah, i am going to stop upsetting myself more and go to bed.

oh and casey is on a date tonight. :)
i am so happy for him.