my arm aches not from actions but from thoughts.
he must be so proud to realize how controlled i am nowadays.

i wish that he would take me seriously when i mention a break.
he could at the very least show compassion when he is guilty of putting me down.
he proves to me that his apologies are only made to buy him time.

i am still completely in love with him.
even though my eyes are swollen from crying myself to sleep.
i know that when he puts the blame on me that i am just an excuse.
for some reason, i still believe that it's true.
mentally, i feel like a fuck up.
he makes me feel this way without realizing it.
although, he fails to make amends even afterwards.

my heart hurts lately.

he did bring me a flower though.
that made me smile.
i actually blushed.
i haven't blushed in so long.
i love the fluttery feeling that he can give me.
i wish that our relationship could stay in that state.
i wish that he would still give it his all.
he figures that i will always be here so he doesn't have to stress out anymore.
he used to take showers, make surprise plans, make an effort to call, etc.
now i am just around whenever he needs me.

i miss him.
i miss the dave that comes out every once in a while.
the old dave that i fell in love with.
the one who viewed me as close to perfect and would never doubt us or me.
i don't ever really doubt us.
not really.
i may just be in denial.
there may not really be an us but a linger of who we used to be.

i love him so much though.
apologies are limited.
he needs to realize that i can't always be understanding.
i can't always cry on his shoulder once he tells me that he's sorry for the words that came out of his mouth.
i hate myself when i turn away when he wants to kiss me.
if i didn't though, he would use me even more.

he called me though, just now.
:) i still get all excited whenever he calls.
just like i did in georgia.
this distance isn't the same but i feel like we must make up for lost time.
2 years of distance.
i dread this summer as much as i am excited about it.
he thinks that it's hard to see me now?
it's going to be hard for him to see me if he has a job and is in kingsport and i am the one stuck in johnson city.
his mom will be less than thrilled to find out that he goes to johnson city.
i really hope that he will visit me though.
i hope that he doesn't view this summer as one giant escape.
i will stay over at casey's some on weekends.
they are like my family. i truly do love them all.

i feel so lost right now.
oh and not to mention lonely.
casey should know that leaving me here in a house by myself isn't exactly going to make me thrilled.
although he probably assumes that dave is over.
in that case, i would be overly ecstatic. ;)

i do love dave.
sheesh. am i stupid for loving him?
i don't think so.
i want him to propose kinda. haha.
i am so weird.
i just feel like he only needs me to put things on me.
i wish that he would at least make a point that he does love me.
i don't know how he could do that really but anything would be so great right now.

*sigh* i'm just going to pretend like nothing happened.
like he didn't break my heart and put me down.
maybe that will be the answer.
with him, you never know.