i was a jumbled mess before he came along.
he picked me up and fixed me.
years of work, of course, but he did it.
now he's gone.
was he only interested in the heroic part?

i wish that i knew for sure that he would stick around.
i want so badly for us to be happy.
as individuals and as a couple, i want the best.

i don't know where he is or how he is.
i constantly worry about him.
he's starting to hide things from me.
doesn't help my assumptions of him cheating on me or looking for girls to fall back on once he does break up with me.
he tells me that i'm crazy whenever i bring up what i think and changes the subject.
that's so odd since he used to sit down and talk things out with me until he knew that i was okay.
i would be so much better if he did that.

i feel more like a burden than anything.
he only tells me the things that i have done wrong or how johnson city is just so far away from kingsport.
he could at the very least make the most of it when he's with me.
i feel like i haven't seen him in weeks.
i saw him last weekend but i felt like he was blowing me off constantly.

i've thrown up a lot but he doesn't know that.
i don't think it's because i'm making myself.
not really, anyways.
i guess i am because i contribute to my anxiety.
i'm going to be more quiet from now on.
not talk to anyone about anything.
that way i will be used to this alone feeling.
i don't need someone to fall back on.
i did, but he doesn't have time for me anymore.
i can understand though.
i was never worth it in the first place.

i really hate people who drive by over and over again just to rev their engine and annoy the rest of the population.
not to mention, they are polluting their natural habitat by being self-centered.

anyways, i am hoping that dave will come back to me and want to be more involved in this relationship.
i want to talk to him about us but he's never around.
if this continues we will just end up falling apart.
i'm sure that's what he is going for.

i'm devestated again.
GEEZ!
i don't want to be devestated i want to be happy!
it's not his fault is mine for getting so attached.
love is only confusion mixed in with lust.
i wish that i could feel differently and hopefully my definition will change later on.